かなしみ。

Goddamnit. I fucked up again, and I am really starting to hate what I'm becoming. At the dance, all I fucking did was try to support Jade-Rose, and what did I get from it? Adderall and two hours of sobbing. I've never sobbed that hard. When I got home, Ty and I hung out in my brother's trailer. He wanted me to smoke pot with him at first, because I had woken him up. I refused, telling him that I'd be all like, fucked from the Adderall. And then he gave me this nice long lecture about how I shouldn't be doing it. Then spilled all his drug secrets to me. I learned about everything he's done, when he's done it. If I ever need any thing, I can ask him for it.

I'm not sure what I think about that. In one way, it's really good. He's smart, he won't screwe me over and won't get anything bad for me. But at the same time, he's my brother. He should be protecting me from this stuff. Fuck a duck, I don't even know what's right any more.

I was compeltely tweaking out on Sunday night. The adderall hadn't worn off yet, so I was desperate to get rid of it. I tried smoking pot. I ssmoked until I was having a completely out of body experience. It was crazy. I'd never had that experience before. It scared the shit out of me, though. I felt like I was dreaming. Like nothing was happening. We went back to Ty's house, and I had to lay down on the bed. Ty left me alone to make food...

I started spazzing. I was hallucinating hella bad... Like, My arms were chained, and being pulled on, and I was trying to get out and I couldn't. To everyone else, I must have looked crazy. My arms and legs were moving all over the place, I knew that they were. I was thinking, I knew that it wasn't real, but I couldn't make myself snap out of it.

Not to mention, I think Ty's mom came in and gave me a lecture about Adderall when I was completely stoned. I fell asleep during it, I think, but everyone says i kept answering her. I don't even know how to tell the difference between me being asleep, or just being too fucking stoned.

I like to think that I learned my lesson, but I'm not sure I have. I don't want to stop smoking pot. I don't want to touch adderall ever again. I'm STILL not eating. I am sleeping, and that's heaven. But eating is really hard for me to do. And it's been what, three days?

Sometmes I just don't know what to do with myself.

I wish on shooting stars, all the time. They've brought me so many good things... I'd trust them with my life.

Not true.
By my standards, that move was very pathetic, weak, and fucked up.
You're being a fucking failure right now.
You can't DO this kind of shit, reassurance needed or not.

You should know who you are.
No one else can TELL you who you are.
I can't.
Your dad can't.
Jade sure as hell can't.

You're being fucking retarded for fucking with my heart like this. You can't keep going back and fourth. Tyla, you can't have both of us. I'm sorry. Pick whoever you want, but that's something that I'm not budging on. Again, pick whoever you think will be more important to you in the long run. And personally, I'm not sure who that is myself.

Bull shit.

I can't even trust you at all anymore. Like, not even a smidge. This sucks for me, too. But you've placed so many doubts in my head, especially around that stupid girl.

I'm sorry.

But /you're/ the one that fucked this up.


You're so fucking weak, aren't you?
Much more then you let on to.

tyyyyyyla.

talk to me, if you get on here.

i'm trying to figure out if you're at hoooooooome

or

schoooooool.

You know...
I never meant to let you become my entire world.
I never meant to let you get so close.
I never meant to love you so truely.

But...

I'm glad I did.

I'm glad I love you with the whole of my heart.
I'm glad that I'm yours, and
I'm glad that you're mine.

You're my everything.
I love it so much.
I love you so much.

I never want to leave where I am right now.
I'm so happy.

I've cried a lot today.
A lot when you got off the phone with me.
Both of those times.

Ew.
I'm needy.
I hate being so needy.

Just updating.

Life's decent.
School is near.
Summer is ending.

I'm going to miss lazing with my girlfriend.
I'm going to miss not having to be home until dark.
I'm going to miss sneaking out every couple of nights.

I'm not looking forward to having no classes with my girl.
I'm not looking forward to having four classes with my best friend.
I'm not looking forward to having to get super good grades.

This summer has been, well, frankly the best summer I've ever had. I've spent most of it with Tyla. I love her, so much. I honestly do. And I'm so happy that I can boast about how much time we got to spend together. I'm sad to see it end so soon, it seems like it had only just begun.

My parents are slowly accepting that I'm not a little girl anymore. That I've started to grow up, and the more they tie me down, the worse I'm going to act. I like this new freedom. I like being able to hang around downtown, for no reason, for hours on end. I like being able to hang out at Lakefair with Ty until it closes. I like being able to buy all of my own clothes.

Life is good.

I'm already starting to miss the summer.

Appearance:
- I am 5'4 or shorter.
- I think I'm ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/I've had braces.
- I wear glasses.
- I'd get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
- I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
- I have had more than 2 piercings.
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:
- I've sworn at my parents.
- I've run away from home.
- I've been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children.
- I've lost a child.

Embarrassment:
- I've slipped out a "LOL" in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I've snorted while laughing.
- I've laughed so hard I've cried.
- I've glued my hand to something.
- I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I've had my trousers rip in public.

Health:
- I was born with a disease/impairment.
- I've had stitches.
- I've broken a bone.
- I've had my tonsils removed.
- I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
- I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I've had serious surgery.
- I've had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
- I've been to North America.
- I've been to Niagara Falls.
- I've been to Japan.
- I've been to Europe.
- I've been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I've been lost in my city.
- I've seen a shooting star.
- I've wished on a shooting star.
- I've seen a meteor shower.
- I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I've pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
- I've been to a casino.
- I've been skydiving.
- I've gone skinny dipping.
- I've played spin the bottle.
- I've crashed a car.
- I've been skiing.
- I've been in a play.
- I've met someone in person from the Internet.
- I've seen the Northern Lights.
- I've sat on a roof top at night.
- I've played chicken.
- I've seen the Rocky Horror Show.
- I've eaten sushi.
- I've been snowboarding.

Relationships:
- I'm single.
- I'm in a relationship.
- I'm available.
- I'm engaged.
- I'm married.
- I've gone on a blind date.
- I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I've been divorced.
- I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
- I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
- I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
- I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:
- I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I've kissed a member of the same gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I've been kissed in the rain.
- I've had sex outdoors.
- I've hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.


Honesty/Crime:
- I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
- I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world.
- I've cheated while playing a game.
- I've cheated on a test.
- I've driven through a red light.
- I've been suspended from school.
- I've witnessed a crime.
- I've been in a fist fight.
- I've been arrested.
- I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I've consumed alcohol.
- I smoke cigarettes.
- I smoke pot.
- I regularly drink.
- I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
- I take cough medication when I'm not sick.
- I've done hard drugs.
- I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can't swallow pills.
- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time with no problem.

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I'm depressed.
- I take anti-depressants.
- I have had an eating disorder.
- I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
- I've hurt myself on purpose.
- I'm addicted to self harm.
- I've woken up crying.

Death:
- I'm afraid of dying.
- I hate funerals.
- I've seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.


Random:
- I can sing well.
- I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news.
- I don't kill bugs. [i eat them.]
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
- I fucking swear regularly.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I'm a snob about grammar.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had "x"s in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love Spam.
- I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
- I bake well.
- I know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes.
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
- I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I'm good at remembering faces.
- I'm good at remembering names.
- I'm good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest.

Because of LiveJournal, I got together with my current boyfriend. Amazing, no? He posted this little note, while we were talking late one night, talking about how he thought he may have feelings for me. Of course, that blossomed into an aim convo, where it was pretty much decided that we'd give it a shot.
Yeah, we've had some issues... But hey, I love him, and I'll put up with that crap for the person I love. -cuddles-
Mnmmm.
I'm so glad I actually got an account on here.

So I need to vent. Badly.

Or at least type this situation out, and try to make sense of it.

Tyla was fucking obsessed with Jade for what... 6 months or more? During Halloween, I believe Jade asked Tyla out, and it somehow went along as if Jade really wanted to date Ty, then she could ask again in a few days/weeks. That never happened.

I asked Tyla out. I was happy. The relationship was fucking amazing for two and a half weeks. No drama, what-so-ever. Then Jade told Tyla that she was completely in love with her. Tyla told me.

I was 'fine with it' as long as nothing happened. Then it kept getting dragged back up. That wasn't cool. I've 'broken up' with Ty twice, before last night, over that.

Then last night strolled about.

Yeah, Tyla. I told you to go take care of Jade. Because she's the one that'll go over there and fucking cut herself over a stupid situation. Atleast the worse that would happen to me is just sitting there, crying my eyes out. But... even if I had been saying go take care of Jade... I thought you'd understand. I was crying out for help to. I needed help last night.

I tried to be happy, but those memories have been sinking into my head again. I keep going over the situation. I need to get him out of my head, out of my heart. Sooner or later, he'll fade. The hurt will fade.

_______

Jade is a fucking attention whore. She ALWAYS has to have the spot light on her. It's her personality. But when that is being brought into another person's relationship, that's not fair... She spent all of yesterday dragging Tyla away from me.

I'm sorry that I'm rarely going to be hang out with Tyla at all, soon. I'm sorry that I was looking forward to those four hours on Friday. Because, you know what? My dad fucking ditched me again. He left, to go to Oregon for a while. Left me here with my mom. Who kicks me out of whatever room she wants... that's terrible. I can't even be on the desktop, because it's in the same room as the T.V. she wants. [Out of the three we have...]

She's yelling at me all the time. Between drinking her soda [one can...], losing the cat [they let her out], and moping around [I'm FUCKING SOBBING.]. It's too much to deal with, on top of everything else. So, you know what?

I think I'm just leaving this group. Follow Devin's example. I'll never get out of it, unless I do something to get myself out of it.

Fuck off, people.

You're fucking retarded.

Mnmm. See what you've done?

Lookit my layout! It's all happy. And cute! =D

... And... Pink. >.>;

I love you, Ty.

Heh-heh.

So what. I'm stressed out. Apparently it's everyone's business about how my home life is. [Note to self: never talk about home again. Not to anyone.] The thing that keeps me going on that front [when I'm sane of course] is the thought that people have it 20x worse then me. I just wish that I didn't have to hide anything from anyone. It's starting to get confusing.

The Jade stuff is passing. I guess that whole grieving process we learned about in Health is true... I was in bargaining not too long ago. Now I have one foot in that, and the next in acceptance. It sure helps that I'm being reminded that I'm actually a pretty fun [they used the word... cute....] person, when I'm not all emo-ish. [Note to Tyla: Devin said that. He did. XD]

And... I know this isn't something I should be posting online, but Tyla knows anyway. >.>; When I cut myself today, during Science, it bled for around 20 minutes straight. I was scared that I had hit something I shouldn't have. This is exactly what I wasn't suppose to do. I've always told myself: you do a ton of them, rather then a few deep ones. Well, each time I "quit," I end up going deeper the next time I do it. I studied my hand tonight. If it had been a few millimeters to the left, it would've completely slashed one of the veins in my hand open. It makes me wonder: what will it actually take for me to stop? Now that I'm completely addicted. I'm addicted to the sight of it, to the feeling of everything just rushing out. To the knowledge that what happens to me, in said form, is completely in MY hands. Not a girl's, not a friend's, not my parents. MINE.

DDR is amazing. I got to play it for two hours tonight. Mnmm. I think I need a new mat though, this one's X is in the center for some reason? I think it got hit too much, somewhere along the line. XDD

Ahhh. I have 20 commissions [around] to do, before the end of this weekend. I'm going to hate this, for a while. But, in all, a new camera will be nice. Plus I can thrust it in Jade's face, and be like: "don't you just LOVE my NEW camera?!"

Mnmm. I feel evil.

Gay-dar is tingling. Must go find the source of said bleeping.